So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
