Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
