your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
