I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
