i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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