i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
