she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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