Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
