No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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