so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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