My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
