I smell stomach acid.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
