I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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