Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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