What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
