I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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