I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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