Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
