she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
