the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
