I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
