More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
