Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
