Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
