Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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