So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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