When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Congratulations! We have a period
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