Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
