I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
