Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
