dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
