Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
