Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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