So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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