Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Randomize
