are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
