On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
