I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize