i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize