Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
