Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
