The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
