I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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