i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
