I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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