just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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