if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i love accidental penises.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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