I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
40s are totally the cure
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
