I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
