Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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