Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
