So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Randomize
