Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
