How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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