It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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