By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
