I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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