I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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