Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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