Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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