He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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