tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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