I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
