Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So squirting runs in the family.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
