if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
