i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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