I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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