I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
