She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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